It is not uncommon to have someone contact us and give details of their marriage demise. A spouse may have strayed and started an extra-marital affair. Sometimes that affair is with a job or a hobby and not necessarily another person. Often, the same circumstances follow many of these stories:
“My spouse and I have not been intimate with each other for some time.”
The Bible has a lot to say about intimacy.
Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4
The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
In Dr. Kevin Leman’s book, Sheet Music – Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, he says:
“If you think sex isn’t important, you are sadly mistaken. Many people have been wounded by sex and hurt by sexual memories. But if you’re married, sex will be one of the most important parts of your life, whether you want it to be that way or not. If you don’t treat sex this way – as a matter of supreme importance – you’re short-changing yourself, your spouse, and your kids.”
We are commanded in scripture to fulfil our marital duty to our spouses (1 Corinthians 7). If you have ever used intimacy as a bargaining tool, you have failed. Today, you can repent and ask the Lord to give you the opportunity to serve your spouse and fulfil your marital duty according to the Scriptures.
Ask the Lord to reveal to you areas where you have failed. He will speak to your heart. Be willing to listen and then be willing to change. You might say, Your spouse will see a change – trust me! If that failure has been in the area of intimacy, maybe it is time to ask your spouse for forgiveness for the way you have failed to meet his/her needs.
When you run into an old friend that you haven’t seen in a while, does that friend get greeted with a glance and a “Hey, how are you?” You probably perk up; greet that friend with a firm handshake or even a hug and a warm, friendly greeting. Why then, do we give our spouse, the person we love the most behind our Saviour, a cold greeting? It is easy to fall into a routine and get so comfortable with our spouse that we stop trying. If that is happening with the area of intimacy, take control of that today. It is important to a relationship that both spouses are investing in the physical area. Don’t always wait for your spouse to pursue you.
Do you know your spouse’s love language? Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, will be a valuable tool if you need to understand love languages. Is it physical touch, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time or acts of service? If your spouse’s love language is receiving gifts and you never think to leave a pack of gum in his/her car with a sweet note, then your spouse is not hearing your efforts. It is important to understand the way your spouse needs to be communicated with. When a spouse feels like their spouse is investing in them, they in turn will feel more like giving back.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs describes this cycle as the crazy cycle in his book, Love and Respect. Men want respect and women want love. We often don’t receive what we need so we refuse to give what our spouse needs. Until one spouse gives in, you won’t get off that crazy cycle.
Regardless of where you are in your marriage, separation or divorce, there is action you can take today regarding intimacy in your marriage. Here are some suggestions:
If you are married, your spouse lives at home –Evaluate your intimate life. Prayerfully seek the Lord and figure out if you have been living up to the commands we are given in Scripture. Decide today that your spouse is not going to get what is left over but the very best from you. Find one thing today that you can complement your spouse on. Every day look for something else positive to say. It will go a long way towards breaking down walls that may have been built up.
If your spouse does not live at home, you have minimal contact or you have no contact – Evaluate your intimate life. Prayerfully seek the Lord and figure out if you have been living up to the commands we are given in Scripture. Commit today to remain pure to your marriage vows. It isn’t always easy to do when you are lonely and waiting for a spouse to return home. If you are standing for your marriage – ACT MARRIED! I am married, therefore I don’t date other men, I don’t engage in flirting sessions, I wear my wedding ring and I am faithful to the vow I made to my husband. Don’t let Satan tempt you into entering areas where you are not honouring God with your body.
God created the marriage relationship. It honours Him. Society has turned that relationship into something that can be tossed away as if it has no value. Your relationship with Jesus Christ has value as does your marital relationship.
